Two pink lines. I could never imagine that such an innocent image could strike such simultaneous joy and terror in my heart. And maybe this wasn’t my first thought, but I did think the moment I saw those two pink lines was, how will I ever get my body back?
Because everyone knows that pregnancy ruins your body.
I felt this overwhelming sense of losing control of my body. The cravings. The hormones. The curves.
How will it affect my training goals?
How will it affect my waistline?
Will I get stretch marks?
Will I be able to lose the weight?
Will I have to throw away all my jeans?
The first time I got pregnant I was most likely the leanest I have ever been. Pre-pregnancy I ate meticulously clean. Each meal was carefully measured out. I ate fish, lean meats and lots of vegetables. Not a morsel of sugar or fat passed my lips without careful calculation. So, when I got pregnant I just thought, screw it! It seemed like an opportunity to let go of the dietary jail I was living in. Plus, I figured my body would be a goner anyway, so who cares?! I gained 70 lbs during that pregnancy. And I can tell you with certainty that the damage to my body, while significant, was much more insipid than the damage to my self-worth. I hardly recognized myself in the mirror. I felt guilty and betrayed. I was furious that an experience that brought such a beautiful being into my life had robbed me of my own beauty. It took me years to undo the damage that I did to myself during that pregnancy. I spent years trying to reign in my body. I spent hours in the gym. I went back to my strict diet only to indulge in donuts on the weekends. I obsessed about my pre-pregnancy body. Restriction and deprivation led to cravings and overindulgence. This cycle threw me down a path of self-loathing and despair. Finally, I found a way to find a balance in my training and my eating and my self-esteem.
Strength training helped me focus on what my body could do instead of constantly worrying about what my body looked like. I started to eat to perform instead of eating to look a certain way. I started to accept, and even like, what I saw in the mirror.
Here are the three steps I took to "get my body back" after having my son. I plan on implementing this same plan with this pregnancy.
Step 1. Get on the Same Side as Your Body.
For most of my life I have thought of myself as two separate things. My mind and my body. This is ludacris. I am my body. It is my ultimate home. I had lost a connection with my body. I was always trying to control it and punish it for being bad. I refused to listen to my body and it was affecting my health and my progress towards my goals. It was me vs. my body. This way of thinking leads to stress and fight-or-flight emotional reactions. I was in a constant battle with myself. I became an over-stimulated, stressed “victims” of my body and I stopped taking responsibility for my own health. I started to resent my body. I sought to conform to a standard of beauty that does not belong to me. I had been in a habit of idolizing bodies that are not natural. When we try to fit into shapes, sizes and looks that are unnatural for us we usually end up trying to rigidly control our bodies. Only when I got on my own side could I really move forward on a path to health, love and true beauty.
But what does it mean?
Step 2. Let Go of the Idea of the Perfect Body.
I had to let go of my pre-pregnancy body. In reality, my shape, my skin, my hormones were all different now. That doesn't mean that I don't have a chance at a body that I can be proud of. It just means that I had to leave my expectations at the door and stop longing for what I had or what other people had. I started to listen to my body. Instead of punishing my body by starving myself or spending hours on the elliptical I ate healthy, hearty, nutritious foods when I was hungry, I rested when my body needed it and I found ways to workout that I truly loved. I made decisions about food, exercise and rest out of love for my body…not hate.
I do not have a perfect body. And for the first time in my life I do not want a perfect body. I want MY body. No, I will never look like I stepped out of a beauty magazine, but that’s okay. If I don’t believe in the diversity of beautiful female body types, I’m constantly comparing myself to other women. I start wanting what they have. I get to wishing I was different. And that is exhausting! What if I could just appreciate the beauty in others and myself? We all have a unique strand of DNA so there is no point in chasing other people’s notion of an ideal body. Most of the images we see and compare ourselves to are airbrushed and/or unhealthy anyway. The more we try to fit unnatural stereotypes the more unhealthy we tend to be. We begin to lose the resources to help love ourselves.
I had to take some time and effort to re-learn to love myself and my body, stretch marks and all. I started to pick out things about myself that I thought were beautiful. I started to notice things that my body could do that were pretty amazing and my love for myself deepened. I learned to appreciate that there is not just one way to be beautiful.
Step 3. Make Decisions Out of Love, Not Hate.
I found that if I could love myself unconditionally (RIGHT NOW!) that I could set goals and make changes to live a healthier life. It is incredibly hard to flip this switch. For years I put off going to the pool because I didn’t want to see myself in a swimsuit. I would suck in my belly in the mirror. I would fantasize about sucking the fat out of my thighs with a vacuum cleaner. How insane is that? It was only when I really let myself love myself that I started to make decisions that were healthy and long-lasting. I realized that my body is precious, it is the only place I have to live in this life. I started treating it with the love and respect it deserved. I knew that every time I went to workout or sat down for a meal I either had the opportunity to hurt or heal my body.
These three steps have helped me live in the freedom of my choices and have helped me give myself grace.
Cara