Being a mom doesn’t come easy to all of us. There have certainly been times when I have literally wondered if I have made a horrendous mistake becoming a mother. As a mom I found that I had much less time to do things, I rarely felt like I was doing them well and I didn’t function all that well on less than 8 hours of sleep. With motherhood came a love I have never known before as well an uncertainty like I’ve never known before. 

Am I doing it right? 

Am I going to damage my son? 

Is he getting what he needs? 

Am I getting what I need? 

I read the books. I joined the mom social media groups. But, honestly, those usually made me feel worse. There was so much guilt, shame and conflicting opinions in the books and groups that it was hard to know what was right and it was easy to stop trusting my intuition as a mom. 

So, when soon to be moms ask for book recommendations I usually direct them towards some amazing evidence based books that lay out all the facts and are written by a woman and mother. And I tell them to practice listening to their voice. 

Motherhood shifts everything. Our body, our schedule, our relationships, our priorities. It can be hard to maintain a sense of self during this big shift. 

If you know someone who is struggling with being a new mom, here is a guide that can help you build them up, not contribute to them feeling more shaky.

1. Let them know that it’s ok to ask for help. We all need help sometimes. Just because you had a baby doesn’t mean that you know everything, or that you can do everything. Accept help when it is given.

2. Let them know it’s ok to set boundaries. If they don’t want their in-laws to stay at their house for ten days after the baby is born ...say so! It’s ok. If they don’t want people to visit, or they want people to take shoes off in the house, or if they only want visitors who vaccinate. All that is their call and they don’t need to feel bad about it. 

3. Let them know it’s ok to not be perfect. We all mess up. When hormones are coursing through our bodies, we are getting no sleep and we are trying to communicated with a non-verbal being we might just lose our cool. If you have moments where you resent your baby, you are not alone. If you pack the diaper bag and go to the mall only to realize that you didn’t put any diapers in it...you’re not alone. We don’t need to be perfect to love our children the way they need to be loved. Which brings me to my last point…

4. Let them know it’s ok to listen to their voice. They are the parent of that child. They know best what that child needs. Some answers just can’t be found in books or online. They